waiting seems like forever.

Today has been hard. This week was hard, hell- this month has been hard. Or I should say "harder" than anyothers in this last year.

Never in my life have I felt so blessed. And yet, I find my emotions are on the fritz.
I've never been in this kind of a situation before.

Dependent (UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY) on another person. Aside from early childhood, that is...

I've held a job since sixteen, and while most of my earnings went to pay for my ex's lifestyle for over 5+ years (yes, I was THAT stupid), I at least felt useful.
In those years I worked every holiday, every weekend, nights, afternoons and was pushing 70 hours each week- only to come home to have to cook and clean, make sure the bills were paid and the household was in order. And while I was out working my ass off to keep our heads above water, my ex was out acting single and cheating on me at ever turn.

As stupid as it sounds, I at least felt like I was worth something, through all the bad that I had to deal with- I could at least bring home a check.
Though most of that time I was a doormat, I earned my keep and worked damn hard for the little money I could keep for myself.
I pride myself on being practical in life and in the things I need and want- it's not something I've always been, I am that way because of absolute need.
A roof over my head was more important than new shoes in my closet, gas in the car won out over going to the movies, paying the heating bill took precedent over any luxuries. That was my life, work non-stop and make due each day. As shitty as it seems, I at least had pride in my ability to just handle life each day as it came.


Fast forward to now- and it's hard to describe how low I feel some days.
Funny how that works out, I get the man of my dreams, the marriage, the baby on the way and I can't seem to shake this feeling of being the biggest loser I know.

And with each day like that comes fear of everything falling apart, because I have become so useless.
I'm in constant fear of the bottom falling out.

Whereas before I KNEW the bottom was falling out of the little bit of life I had,.... now I just fear that it's somewhere around the corner, ready to destroy all the true happiness I have found.

And then where would I be?
Out of work with a child to support? Back to 70 hour weeks, scraping by, trying to make things work out for the best?
Nothing has ever scared me more in my life.

Don't get me wrong- My life is TRULY blessed. I am married to a man that I feel lucky to even know, let alone call my husband.
And yet I still fear that one day he'll realize that he would be better off without me and the responsibilities he now has.

That is the bottom falling out.



I know it sounds stupid, most days I really feel like I'm scared for no reason. But other times, I can't get away from the crushing feeling of the end of all this coming.
Some days it feels like it will happen this week, or in six months. Other times in a year, or five, or twenty.
I can't seem to get over the feeling of him being better than this life we have, or whats to come.
Most times I know this is all my crazy imbalance of hormones talking, making me overreact to every feeling I have, have had, or might ever feel (thanks a lot pregnant body) but I can't help but wonder when we are having one of our bad days if it's all true.
I hope to God it's not.

So here I am, left to type away all the fear knotted in the pit of my stomach, putting it away until the next time. Hoping there wont be a next time, but I know better by now that it's only a matter of time till it come pouring out again.

And through it all, I just wish it was the summer already- just so it could be like it all was back then.