I heart...

I'm just in love with many things lately...

Well BESIDES my husband and child.. and life in general, that is!


1: Man Vs Food on Netflix on demand via Xbox360.
2: Netflix on demand via Xbox360.
3: What White People Like, the book.
4: Planning out the nursery theme.
5: Planning out my spring/summer clothes.
6: Planning out all the food I want to eat when I am home.
7: Pizza like woah.
8: Finding a way to safely tan while pregnant.
9: Spending some serious time planning Mr M's birthday out.
10: My hubby having 3 days off each week!


Word.

JOFR.

In love with the new show, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.

Lord almighty, when a class of 6 year olds can't identify a fresh tomato- somthing is VERY wrong with how we are raising our children.

The weird thing is how much people are against his help.

Watch and learn kids!

Head of house.

With all the family drama that is taking place...
I'm kinda in shock how well my husband is at handling it all. But in a good way.


I've never heard him so controlled while to obviously furious.
Not that I've actually ever heard him being even close to furious......

Hmmmm lots of firsts today.

Regardless, I'm actually really proud of how he is taking care of this little family crisis.
It's a crap situation, but I find myself really proud of him. It reminds me how much of a man he really is, and how lucky I am to have him as the head of our little family.

Lord help me, I find more and more to adore about him each day.
And it's freakin sexy!

Total awe..

Today was a m a z i n g.

Dr.'s apt went very well, blood labs were clean and everything was very normal and relaxed.

Had our full check up, and because of my fears of being farther along- our Dr. gave us an early ultrasound after the routine stuff was done.

Wow. It's amazing how real it all becomes once you see that first glimpse of your baby.
Words can't describe how much I felt seeing the heartbeat and J/C's kicks and punches!

It's like this giant fog was lifted, all those worries melted away, and seeing my husbands smile while he got to watch our baby..... It's like I fell in love with him all over again in that moment.

Life has been up and down lately- but this was just another blessing to help us along.
These little moments endear my feelings of love for our little family, and especially Mr M.
I am truly a blessed woman, so lucky in life and love.

Thanks Lord for reminding me. =)

sunhine

Sunny days always feel like they make things better.
That and having a husband who knows the right things to say to make me feel at ease (well, most of the time.. Hahahah)

Being young and married can be hard, but it's never so hard that we'll stop trying to make things work.
No matter how bad things seem, there is always a silver lining.


<3

waiting seems like forever.

Today has been hard. This week was hard, hell- this month has been hard. Or I should say "harder" than anyothers in this last year.

Never in my life have I felt so blessed. And yet, I find my emotions are on the fritz.
I've never been in this kind of a situation before.

Dependent (UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY) on another person. Aside from early childhood, that is...

I've held a job since sixteen, and while most of my earnings went to pay for my ex's lifestyle for over 5+ years (yes, I was THAT stupid), I at least felt useful.
In those years I worked every holiday, every weekend, nights, afternoons and was pushing 70 hours each week- only to come home to have to cook and clean, make sure the bills were paid and the household was in order. And while I was out working my ass off to keep our heads above water, my ex was out acting single and cheating on me at ever turn.

As stupid as it sounds, I at least felt like I was worth something, through all the bad that I had to deal with- I could at least bring home a check.
Though most of that time I was a doormat, I earned my keep and worked damn hard for the little money I could keep for myself.
I pride myself on being practical in life and in the things I need and want- it's not something I've always been, I am that way because of absolute need.
A roof over my head was more important than new shoes in my closet, gas in the car won out over going to the movies, paying the heating bill took precedent over any luxuries. That was my life, work non-stop and make due each day. As shitty as it seems, I at least had pride in my ability to just handle life each day as it came.


Fast forward to now- and it's hard to describe how low I feel some days.
Funny how that works out, I get the man of my dreams, the marriage, the baby on the way and I can't seem to shake this feeling of being the biggest loser I know.

And with each day like that comes fear of everything falling apart, because I have become so useless.
I'm in constant fear of the bottom falling out.

Whereas before I KNEW the bottom was falling out of the little bit of life I had,.... now I just fear that it's somewhere around the corner, ready to destroy all the true happiness I have found.

And then where would I be?
Out of work with a child to support? Back to 70 hour weeks, scraping by, trying to make things work out for the best?
Nothing has ever scared me more in my life.

Don't get me wrong- My life is TRULY blessed. I am married to a man that I feel lucky to even know, let alone call my husband.
And yet I still fear that one day he'll realize that he would be better off without me and the responsibilities he now has.

That is the bottom falling out.



I know it sounds stupid, most days I really feel like I'm scared for no reason. But other times, I can't get away from the crushing feeling of the end of all this coming.
Some days it feels like it will happen this week, or in six months. Other times in a year, or five, or twenty.
I can't seem to get over the feeling of him being better than this life we have, or whats to come.
Most times I know this is all my crazy imbalance of hormones talking, making me overreact to every feeling I have, have had, or might ever feel (thanks a lot pregnant body) but I can't help but wonder when we are having one of our bad days if it's all true.
I hope to God it's not.

So here I am, left to type away all the fear knotted in the pit of my stomach, putting it away until the next time. Hoping there wont be a next time, but I know better by now that it's only a matter of time till it come pouring out again.

And through it all, I just wish it was the summer already- just so it could be like it all was back then.

House.

No not "our" house, House of the MD, TV land sort.

I love watching the show and guessing how and why someone got to whatever ailment they have been stricken with.

Today's episode deals with "Donna" from that 70's show as a chick named Frankie.... yeah not a fan of that name either...
Who happens to blog her entire life, that of her boyfriend's (without his permission) and piss off the neighbor in the process due to thin walls and the arguments that ensue over said blogging.

Until she ...(wait for it......DUNN DUNNNN DUUUUUNNNNN) has "bruising" show up for no reason- IE unexplained coagulation also known as: not good-itis.


so here are my early guesses.
1: vegetarian diet has some adverse effect on her, but not likely.
2: the rat poison that she picks up (cause she's a tree hugger) is making her sick, again- not likely.
or 3: (and my favorite) she's screwing the noisy neighbor.


How did I come to guess on three? Well he knows the inside of her house, more so that the drawer that is locked on the desk is Frankie's "private drawer" and no one is suppose to touch it.
And well, the others... are because she blogs about them. That and it's a TV show so you get to see all that extra crap. Come on people, keep up with me here.


Ahhh that plot thickens. I'll update with the "real" issue after I finish this episode.....



Update:
So we go from : bad heart valve to- cancer to- liver damage & near death to.... illregular poops?
Uhhh yeah, that's what I thought too. Bahahaha.
Making the real anwser:

Ewwww so the answer is guess number 1. Just one more reason to never be a vegetarian.

Conviction is the word of the day.

I feel very off lately. A lot of that has to do with outside sources (IE: one person being an absurdly huge ass, and people turning a blind eye).

When dealing with military men (not really the women so much) I find that they think they know more than anyone else about the military.
God forbid that they might be wrong on something as huge as this.

I'm a huge advocate of speaking up. If I see a hit and run and happen to get the licence plate number- I'm going to stop and wait for the police. Why? Because it's the right thing to do.

A topic I am unwavering on is abuse. End of story.
I don't take threats, I refuse to turn a blind eye to cheaters, I wont put up with it.
When dealing with men in the military that are abusive, it's never their fault.
They feel that because they are in the military they are protected. And if the other party is civilian? Well they can't do anything about it!

Yeah, no. I come from a military family. I know more than I'm given credit for about chain of command, and that's fine.
What I can't stand is that when I encourage someone who is being harassed, threatened and made out to be crazy for "not just taking it" I become a "bad" person.
Wait.. what?
I am a bitch for not letting a piece of shit airman get away with this?
Wow.
That's the exact reason that military think they are allowed to get away with crap like this.
When everyone around them "lol"s the matter and turns a blind eye, all those people are doing is condoning the act and encouraging it to happen again.

FUCK that.

People can call me a bitch all they want, at least I have the back bone and can follow through on doing what I know is right.

In the end at least I'll be able to tell my child that not only do I know the difference between right and wrong, but I have the conviction to stand up for whats right.

fully upset.

Today started off great- I love spending time with my sister.. Lunch, finding a great kids movie from my childhood newly made into DVD. Life's awesome.
Like everyday, I look forward to the evening when I get to see my husband when he gets home from work.
I knew he had a "play date" with some friends to play games online, I'm cool with that- cause at least I can sit here on the couch and see him.
But lately I see less and less of him- between him spending time at the gym after work (awesome, and I fully support) , stopping off and visiting people on the way home (can I at least get a call saying where you are, please?) and last minute "lets go out for guys night" BS (WTF, Grrrr) , I'm getting less and less time with him.

Yes, I understand that I refuse to hang out with a few of your friends- I get that.
Yes, I understand that being pregnant in a bar makes no sense and I'm tired all the time.
Yes, I understand you need "your own" time- I find it healthy, go for it!

But this is getting old quick. Lack of communication is seeping in, and bad attitude is accompanying it as well.
I hate feeling like this- worse is it's not like I'm hormonal or anything... (sarcasm much?)


I'm just looking forward to things getting better in the next few weeks. It had better soon, I'm not loving this at all- You can't act like you're single just cause you want to, it doesn't work like that.