Wits end.

I feel drained. Lacking in all regards.
Not a fun feeling, and worse off is knowing it wont get better any time soon.

Life is amazing now that guppy is here, but everything is just too tense and resentment seems to be breeding at an all time high.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life, but this PPD is kicking my ass and Mr M and I are far from our normal selves.
Just too much resentment in the air, I feel like we are drowning in it. We all are.

Mr M resents: that I don't work, that we had a baby so soon, that he is the sole breadwinner and that he feels under appreciated for all the work he does, that he cant go out with his friends, that he cant spend his money on whatever he wants- the list goes on and on. Add that to his growing frustrations about my over all attitude and it makes for a tumultuous marriage at the moment.

I resent: that I am home alone 24/7 with guppy, that I get zero adult conversations, that I cant get a single moment alone, that I am expected to carry on all the household chores and take care of guppy simultaneously, that Mr M cant seem to understand ANYthing I am feeling, that Joe has become a bigger pain in the ass than either of us imagined, that Mr M & I cant have a much needed talk (let alone the fight) we need to clear the air because we are never alone.


All this is just adding up too quickly. As much as I try to keep my emotions in check, I cant.
Nothing feels right in my body or mind, I feel off balance and unable to find solid ground.
Its a sinking feeling, and as much as I fight it, the bottom is falling out.
Whats worse is that Mr M feels it too, and I'm not sure how this all is going to play out anymore.

The only thing keeping me grounded through this all is our guppy. His love is unconditional, and no judgement is passed. He's my little sunspot in this storm that's growing worse each day.
I'm hoping the next two weeks of pomp and circumstance help calm us all, and that this move gives us all more clear air to breathe.


Lord make me a bird.

Stress.

Or more-so, "stressED".

Less than a month until we have to have a new home to live in. Though it is really up to Mr M where we will eventually end up, I worry about the stress it puts on him.
The cost, the placement, locations, calling and making appts, actually moving. All of this while working AND his worring about me and our guppy (this is now what I will refer to our son as IB).
Add that to the stress of his brother being as useful as a bump on a log, and I don't know how he does it.
He is truly Superman.


I cant help but worry about it all.

A close second to the housing stress is in dealing with Joe.
I worry that we are investing all too much into him staying here- when I really feel we will have to send him home shortly.
Mostly for his lack of effort. Never have I dealt with someone who puts on such airs of entitlement. Someone who acts like walking is too much effort, that the job he has isn't good enough for him, or who relies on everyone else to coddle him and cater to his needs.

Thankfully, a big bright spot in this month will come from the east coast.
My poppa and mom are flying in to visit guppy & us. I am very much so looking forward to them meeting Mr M for the first time as well as guppy.
A whole week of them here should clear a lot of this grime I have been feeling about "family".
Nothing like having my parents close to put things right again.


Lord help us- this month is full of big changes.